At long last, we found a church.

Not having a church home for the first year (plus) of living in Durham was the BANE OF OUR EXISTENCE, if that's not overstating it (which it isn't). I haven't exactly made a secret of the fact that our transition to Durham was rocky and difficult. For our family, so much of that was directly related to not having a church home. It is definitely the cornerstone of our family life, and without a place to call home, we struggled. Deeply. It wasn't the sole reason that Durham was hard, but it was a major factor.

We had looked up a handful of churches before we moved to Durham and had a list of places that we'd planned to check into, which made the Planners in us feel confident and satisfied. We'd also, in our engaged-->married life, never really struggled with finding a church. Both in Jackson and Boston, we were very fortunate to just know very quickly. In fact, when we moved to Boston, we prayed specifically that the first church we visited would just be the one. Technically, because of my morning sickness at the time, Brad visited two or three without me, but the first one that we visited together was the only church I ever visited in Boston. Because it was the one. We found it approximately 6 weeks into living in Boston and stayed there for the rest of our time in Boston.

We were prepared for that not to be the case everywhere we moved as a family, but we had no idea the journey that lay before us in Durham. It was very humbling. The positives that we can now take away from the whole experience are:
1. There are a lot of great churches in Durham (and Raleigh, because we tried a couple there, too) who love Jesus, love people, and are seeking to do God's work. That's encouraging, for sure.
2. We learned to pray in a more intimate and desperate way for an answer to something so important to us. 
3. Our marriage was strengthened by the struggle. We had to have long, frustrating, deep conversations with one another, and we had to pray very specifically and earnestly together. 
4. We were able to narrow down, in pretty specific terms, the things that are very important to us when choosing a church to be a part of.

We can see those things looking back now. At the time, it was so hard to fight feelings of disconnectedness and loneliness and unbelonging. It was also hard to combat those feelings while still mourning the move from Boston and the wonderful church and friend group we had there. We tried a variety of different denominations, sizes, and styles of worship. We actually stayed at one church for about 5 months (Advent-Easter), hoping it was the one for us. While it is a good church, it was not the right fit for us. That was actually the situation with most of the churches we tried. 

A very discouraging element we found at way too many churches was a lack of general hospitality. That was very unexpected; in my head, moving south would bring more hospitality and outreach (you know, since we were leaving the Land of Yankees). Most churches have designated greeters that greet and guide newcomers, but, nice as these folks are, these interactions are rather impersonal and usually extremely brief. We found that very few actual church members in the majority of the churches we visited made any effort to greet us or engage us in any way. Y'all. If we weren't committed believers who were determined to find a church- if we were people who were seeking to find out more about the Christian faith- we would have given up, based on the level of engagement we encountered. I don't mean to sound bitter or harsh; I was just incredibly shocked. It made a deep impact on me- one that I hope I never forget. An impact that I hope influences my behavior at church every single time I'm there. Our church in Boston recognized this as a major need and actually gathered a group of folks (I guess you could almost call it a committee of sorts) who were tasked with insuring that this was never a problem. It was an excellent strategy for engaging new people and making their welcome a priority. We reflected on the value of that SO MANY TIMES while in the midst of our search.

We visited our church, Blacknall Memorial Presbyterian Church (Blacknall), for the first time last May. It struck me forcibly that, during our visit, we had multiple people/couples/families make an obvious effort to speak to us, introducing themselves and saying, "I don't think we've met before." It was such a disarming way to introduce themselves and draw us in. We've learned since being there more regularly that hospitality is a priority from the top down; the leadership models excellent outreach and expect it of their members. It definitely got our attention from Day 1. In fact, we were actually introduced to the pastor during that very first visit before the service began. During the service, when he served us communion, he remembered both of our names and addressed us personally when handing us the bread. 

We didn't visit Blacknall consistently between May and last fall (when we decided to call it home); we tried several other places during that time frame. It wasn't because we didn't like Blacknall or felt it was an overall bad fit. To be transparent: there are a few elements of how the church operates that were very different from my personal experiences and convictions (less so for Brad) and were difficult for me to accept. I had to pray about and work through many of them in the interim between our first visit and our decision to plant there. They're still things I pray and think about, but the Lord definitely engineered our experience to leave little doubt that Blacknall was the place for us.

And honestly? The thing that sealed the deal for us making Blacknall our home ended up being this pregnancy. I wasn't able to attend church on Sundays for months, which was very hard on my spirit. To simplify things (i.e. rather than continuing to try out churches without me), Brad would go to Blacknall, and Claire and I would stay home. At some point, a friend of his from Duke who also attends Blacknall mentioned that Brad should get my name on the prayer list specifically for pregnant women. How neat that they even have one of those! Brad (being the stellar husband that he is) found the person to email and asked them to add my name to their prayer list. Within a week, I had been contacted by two different women, explaining that there is a group of ladies at Blacknall who meet weekly and pray over the pregnant women and new mothers of the congregation. They also explained that the ladies in that group each take a month of the year and are "responsible" for the women who are set to deliver that month. The "April Lady" let me know that she would be contacting me closer to the baby's due date to start setting up a meal train and whatnot. Additionally, I was contacted by the children's director (a third contact in one week), who saw my name on the prayer list and also noticed that our address is close to hers. She offered to pick up groceries or stop by to run errands for me on her way to and from work.

I was floored, I have to say.

And then, if that wasn't compelling enough, Brad was contacted by another Blacknall-Duke friend of his who asked if we would like for the pastor and an elder to come to the house and pray for me (which they did).

We were so taken with how "hands and feet of Jesus" this church that WE WEREN'T EVEN MEMBERS OF was being to us. It was humbling and touching and was a reminder to us that we weren't detached from the Christian community, as we had felt for so long. It made our decision clear: how could we not be a part of a church whose values were those that we esteem so highly? Service? Care for the household of faith? Reaching out to those with a need of some kind? So we decided to commit. 

We haven't officially joined, in that we haven't participated in the membership classes yet, but we've decided to make it our home and are beginning to get involved. I've particularly been enjoying participating in the multi-generational Women's Bible Study that meets on Thursdays. It's been really nice to have regular interaction with other women who love Jesus and many of whom have children (including small ones, like mine). :) Brad has been involved in the Duke Divinity-Blacknall fellowships that have been started to encourage those studying theology at Duke together. We've also been participating in the Wednesday night Lent services and dinners, which have enabled us to meet more and more members. Last week, we sat with a couple who are mental health professionals and have a side ministry of missionary member-care (a ministry that I think is INVALUABLE in the missions community). We thoroughly enjoyed visiting with them and learning about their work. This week, Brad sat next to some Intervarsity friends from Duke, but I sat next to Mrs. June. Or rather, she sat down next to me, intentionally, to get to know me. She started out by pulling out a notebook to write down our names so that she could remind herself of us later. She's 72 and a retired psychiatrist who has been in the area since 1965. I had the best time visiting with her and was reminded again of why this church appeals to us so strongly. The intentionality has been so encouraging to us as newcomers and is motivating to us as we become more involved in the church community.

Our search was really long and frustrating and showed us some things about ourselves that were less-than-thrilling to discover. However, we feel really content with where we are and how we got here. We're looking forward to getting more and more involved during our time in Durham (which will be a while). Thank you to those of you who prayed along with us; it was such a journey, and we are so grateful for your part in the process!