On Staying and Going

For the past eight years, I've lived in four different places for two years in each place. I've been a "goer," one who lives somewhere, forms relationships, puts down a semblance of roots, and then says goodbye and starts over in a new place. It's hard every time, absolutely. 

However, I think I've decided that, perhaps, being a "stayer" is even harder.

Now that Brad is in a doctoral program, we find ourselves in the position of being the ones who stay for a longer stretch of time. And, much like the military, the world of academia is highly transient. People are coming and going all. the. time. Just in our very direct sphere of theology programs at Duke (this excludes other programs as well as other schools like UNC, which is just up the road), students in the Master of Theological Studies (MTS) program cycle through every 2 years, students in the Master of Divinity (MDiv) program cycle through every three years, and students in the doctoral programs cycle through at very unpredictable times. It is very much like a revolving door around here. 

And I am feeeeeeling it. In a very hard way.

Adjusting to life in Durham has been difficult for us, to say the least. We've had an unbelievably difficult time getting settled and making friends. But, over the past year, we have accumulated a wonderful (albeit small) group of friends that we love dearly and who have proven to be very true and dear friends. And, starting 9 months ago, we began losing them. Some of them we knew would be moving (finishing degrees and moving on to the next program). Some of them we had no idea about; their moves were so unexpected that we could not have begun to imagine them. And it was all very painful.

Given the state of chaos and pain and suffering around the country and the world, my plight of losing friends seems rather trivial and can cause me to start on a downward spiral of guilt...on top of my hurt feelings, which is just messy and unproductive. So, to say that it's been a tortured process would be an understatement.

I've said it before- and I would bet that I'll say it again- but our move to and life in Durham has been one of the most trying phases of my (our) life. It has yet to be a smooth/easy/fun/enjoyable process (note: there are fun and enjoyable elements to our life here, but on the whole, it's been rocky), and every new curve ball highlights the difficulties. It brings out the parts of my character that I hate to admit to and really wish weren't there; things like deep insecurity, bitterness, thin skin, difficulty coping with change, and high maintenance (and poor Brad gets to field all of this). These are all things that I fancy myself being able to rise above, but in reality...I seem not to. At least not very well. It's a terrible kind of self-reflection and yet one that is always around.

However, the Summer of Heartbreak 2016 (no one has ever accused me of not being hyperbolic enough) was also a time during which I really worked hard to get my thoughts in check. My feelings are going to come unbidden, and there's nothing I can do about that. My thoughts, though, are within my control, and that's what I've been working on as a stayer who feels left behind. I admit that it's been a real struggle not to ask the Lord continually, "Why? Why is it necessary to take away the people that make life here doable?" I know that He works all things for our good and that His ways are higher than mine, but not being able to see the big picture really highlights the difficulties of faith. 

The Fall is slowly bringing about some encouraging changes, but all of our staying while so many of our friends have been going still stings a bit. And, one unfortunate element that I find myself having to fight against is that of holding new friends at arm's length in an attempt to save my feelings when it's New Friends' turns to leave. Because we're here for so long, even if we make friends with folks beginning an MTS or MDiv this year, we will still out-stay them. 

Just typing that out is a little overwhelming.

But even so, I think it's important that I invest in friendships that are worthwhile, all while knowing that it's for a season that might be quite short. I'm sure the occasion of losing several friends all at once isn't an isolated event and that we'll experience it again (maybe every summer? *bangs head against wall*) before we find ourselves being goers again. I hope that I can choose to build the relationships and gain the friendships, even with that little voice in the back of my head warning me that it will probably hurt a lot and much sooner than I think.

I miss my friends that have left. I'm enjoying the new friendships that are starting. And I'm praying that I'm able to look back on this season of staying and recognize it as a true blessing.

Mrs. Ashley (and Mr. Eric) headed off to live and work in Saudi Arabia. I've been friends with Ashley since Union. Read about their adventures!

We got to have a super fun, week-long visit with Mrs. Ashley this summer!

Michael and Katie became FAST and dear friends. Claire fell positively in love with them.

They are native Texans who returned home to Texas and family.

Katie and Colum were our first friends that we made in Durham.

They were some of Lily's first visitors!

We miss them dreadfully.

I'm so thankful for the friends that we've added to our lives. We pray for the very best for them...and that we can see them as often as possible through the years. Miss you, dear ones.