Naming Baby No. 4

In a very unusual turn of events, Brad and I actually named Baby No. 4 during my 2nd trimester.

It's shocking, I know.

But we did! We both just KNEW, from the day I took the pregnancy test, that the baby was another girl. Then we really did know that she was a girl around 10/11 weeks when we took the blood test to find out. (And then we got confirmation again at her anatomy scan at 20 weeks.) So, like our other pregnancies, we accepted that we would have to sift through all kinds of girls' names until we found the right one, going back and forth, discussing the merits of this one or that one and just hoping we'd choose the right one.

Our method over the years has evolved into:

1. Starting a list on a note in my phone. Any time one of us thinks of a name, we add it to the list, unless the other one has a firm "no." (It's usually Brad with the firm no, by the way.)

2. Every few months or so, we revisit the list and read through the names on it, culling some and adding a few others. The list never gets super long.

3. Some of the names on the list have been contenders since we were expecting Lily. We just have to keep saying them, writing them, mulling them over, and seeing if it works for this particular baby.

We got this same system up and going not long after we found out- officially- that we were expecting another girl (because we've had a boy's name set since our honeymoon. There would never have been any debate on that.).

Fast forward to around 5 months into pregnancy when I started having kidney issues. I was miserable and in excruciating pain for days before having a concrete diagnosis. My pain management options were Tylenol and a heating pad, which did *almost* nothing, leaving me to just constantly change positions, praying for relief.

In an effort to take my mind off of what was happening in my body, I pulled up our name list to look through things again. I read down through the list, reviewing names that we'd been talking about for several years and landed on one that I hadn't spent much time thinking about before. It had been on the list for ages; it had never really been a top favorite, but it had never gotten the axe, either. I decided to look it up and see its popularity ranking and meaning.

We've never chosen any of our girls' names because of their given meanings. All of our children's names are meaningful to us, but they weren't chosen specifically because of their meanings. That said, I always look them up to see what the meanings are.

So, I looked up the name Hallie.

The first definition that came up was "a diminutive of 'hallelujah,' which means praise the Lord."

Two things happened in my brain, simultaneously:

1. I remembered a passage from Genesis 29 and 

2. I was very aware that I did not feel like praising the Lord right in that moment.

The moment that I read "diminutive of 'hallelujah,'" my mind cast back to a piece of the story of Leah, Jacob's wife. This is the passage I remembered:

Genesis 29:32-35 (ESV)

32 And Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben,[c] for she said, “Because the Lord has looked upon my affliction; for now my husband will love me.” 33 She conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Because the Lord has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also.” And she called his name Simeon.[d] 34 Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, “Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” Therefore his name was called Levi.[e] 35 And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” Therefore she called his name Judah.[f] Then she ceased bearing.

I had remembered that when she had Judah, her fourth child, she simply praised the Lord. She was no longer trying to prove or earn anything; she was just going to praise the Lord. (Note: the rest of her story does not mimic mine; I haven't been trying to prove or earn anything with my other children. I just connected with the praising-the-Lord-about-a-fourth-child part.)

(Second note: It was also not lost on me that the very last part of this passage is that she ceased bearing children...)

At the same time that I remembered this story, I was in a real-time place in life wherein I did not feel much like praising the Lord. I was in so much pain and catching no breaks. I was so fearful because of said pain and so many unknowns and no relief in sight. And all of this was happening during a pregnancy that had surprised and shocked me with it's very existence...I was deeply struggling.

And yet? Reading the meaning of the name Hallie + processing all of these thoughts was deeply meaningful for me. I mulled it over during my sleepless night.

The next day, my doctors got me worked in to an imaging center to find out what was happening. On the drive there, I told Brad about my research and thoughts on the name Hallie. It was a no-pressure conversation; I just wanted to share my thoughts. I didn't expect him to like it a whole lot, just given that the name had been sitting on our list, untouched, for so long. But he asked me some questions and began to think about it, too.

That afternoon's appointment confirmed a kidney stone and accompanying renal swelling, leaving me to hope and pray that I would survive the long weekend (Memorial Day) while everything but the ER was closed and ideally, pass that kidney stone.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that the next day was one of the top three worst days of my life. The pain from my kidneys was unbelievably bad, and I had no recourse for any relief because of being pregnant. On top of that, there was a tropical storm off the coast of the Carolinas, the pressure from which gave me a migraine I could not shift. I eventually gave up any hope of relieving any pain and just settled for trying to manage the pain-induced nausea. I was stuck in the dark, in pain, on the constant verge of vomiting, and feeling so much despair. I was drinking tons of water, trying to flush out the stone, and every (FREQUENT) trip to the bathroom felt impossible to accomplish with the pain... And I just found myself, again, having the hardest time praising the Lord for anything. Frankly, it felt like my desperate prayers for help and relief weren't being heard or, worse, were being ignored.

At some point during the day, Brad brought me yet another water refill. While he was checking on me and encouraging me, he paused and told me that he'd been thinking about our discussion of "Hallie." 

"If you think it would help you get through this [kidney stone] to have something to hang on to, I'm happy to go ahead and decide to name her Hallie. I like the name and the story, and I'm happy to decide on it, especially if it would help you right now."

I had to cry a bit at that, obviously. It was so thoughtful and kind... And really, it was helpful for me. We didn't make a firm decision in that moment (I thought it wise to hang onto some wiggle room for a bit, just in case), but I think we both decided that day that Hallie was her name.

I told our friend, Amanda, a few weeks later that we'd decided on Hallie, and Amanda said that as soon as she heard me say it, she thought, "Of course her name is Hallie. That's perfect, and I feel like I've always known Hallie Boswell." She also said something that has stayed with me: "I think her name was written on your heart. And it's perfect."

I think she was right. I believe that the Lord gave us her name and its meaning and that he gave it to us at the perfectly-timed moment, as a marker in my own faith journey. 

While her name isn't "Hallelujah," every time I hear or say her name, I think about praising the Lord. And of the long process I've been through to come to a point of praising Him during this season.

A couple weeks ago, my brother- and sister-in-law were able to visit for one day (from Minnesota- we almost never get to see them in person, so this was a treat), and Jenna, our sister-in-law, gave me a baby gift. I opened it and nearly cried. She'd had a special onesie made for Hallie, based on the background of her name:

Can you even handle that? I can't. It's a perfect physical reminder of our journey. And I couldn't love it more.

Full birth story coming soon. This story was just so special to me that I got it written first.